Monday morning quarterbacking……..
As many of you that frequent the blog know, I love football, and I’ve been in heaven with both the college and the NFL back in session! Yesterday all the pregame shows were a series of football announcers and former players gnashing their teeth over the awful week the NFL experienced with all the scandals. I fully agree with the sentiments of how awful these events are, but I don’t think it is indicative of just football players. Because these are public figures like actors, singers, politicians, and on and on, the reporting of their actions has a bigger stage to play out on. So, what is the solution? Sherelene and I reared three children, and on countless occasions we had to “attempt” to modify their behavior from what we knew was wrong or dangerous for them. Of course it was easy, all we had to do was explain to them why they should behave, and they straightened right up!!! Yeah, right!!!!!! Human behavior is not so easy to control. But, where do we start?
If I may, let’s pretend that the commissioner of the NFL, knowing what a knowledgeable person I am about conflict, called me and asked me to talk with, (I’ll just pick one), Ray Rice, and then come back to him with recommendations on what to do next. Of course fat chance of that happening, but I’ll play along since this was my idea in the first place……
Step One: Meet with Ray Rice and his wife. I would seek to determine where they are in their relationship. Have they dealt with the abuse, has their been forgiveness, and does Ray realize how wrong he was, and has asked her for forgiveness, sought help to avoid anything like that ever happening again, and have they placed their relationship, and marriage in God’s hands? I would try to help Ray understand that his actions may cost him his football career if the NFL so decides. I would encourage them to start fresh. depending on each other, and God to meet their needs.
Step Two: I would meet with the commissioner and suggest that the NFL have a policy of complete honesty, and openness about such matters. I would further suggest that their be a strict policy of player conduct and it be levied fairly and with full transparency. I would suggest a policy that made it clear that the league would be firm, but fair, in dealing with misconduct of the players and coaches.
Step Three: I would suggest that all parties, including the public, stand ready, when it has been proven that the offending parties are sincerely re-pendent, that forgiveness be offered. This is the toughest one. If every member of society was a follower of Jesus Christ and truly seeking to live a redeemed life, and had experienced His forgiving love, it would be easy. But many people have great difficulty in forgiving others, mostly because they can’t forgive themselves. Forgiveness is something you have to know you’ve been offered, before you can offer it to another. Sadly many in society protect themselves from self loathing by taking delight in seeing how imperfect others are. It’s easy to do, we are all very imperfect, but comparing my sin to someone else’s does little for me, and nothing for them. The biblical plan for dealing with sin is; (a) admit it, (b) acknowledge it’s reality, (c) repent (be truly deeply sorry), (d) ask forgiveness, (e) accept forgiveness, (f) forgive yourself, and (g) seek to walk a different path. All of this is possible, all of this can be accomplished, but only after we face the fact that we are wrong, we’ve hurt others with our actions and words, and are willing to face the truth.
It doesn’t make me angry to see people seething with hate for Ray Rice, it hurts me. What Ray did was wrong, very wrong. I hate his “actions”, but I love him. He is one of God’s children, just like you and I! Before you react to that, think about this; if you had done something very wrong and the world knew about it, and you were truly sorry, had confessed the sin you had committed, and were seeking to make things right, how would you want others to respond to you? I bet you would humbly hope for forgiveness! Those that can’t, need to examine their own hearts!
Is it hard? You bet, but when Jesus (the Son of God), was beaten, mocked, tortured and then nailed on a cross and left to die there, He looked down and said, “Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
Forgiveness is not an option, it’s the only path that leads forward.
Blessings,
the pilgrim
This entry was posted on Monday, September 15th, 2014 at 1:45 pm
You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
I understand the concept of and need for forgiveness. In situations of domestic violence more than forgiveness is required in order to hopefully prevent future abuse. You are correct in that we should hate the sin but not the sinner. But the public outrage over this is indeed justified and LONG overdue. It’s not that Ray Rice is a scapegoat — actually, he has given a name and face to the millions of more anonymous incidents of domestic violence that were not recorded and seen by the world. I’ve dealt with DV cases for decades and I can assign numbers to the excuses and minimizations that follow, such as:
1. “He’s really a good guy.”
2. “He didn’t mean it.”
3. “The police got it wrong. I never said that. They put words in my mouth.”
4. “I started it.”
5. “He’s never done it before.”
6. “He’ll never do it again”
7. “We’re working it out.”
…and so on.
And yes, men are also victims of domestic violence (which mandatory arrest laws have shown).
Jesus did not just teach forgiveness but also accountability. Rice must be held accountable. In far too few cases do we have the evidence that exists in his and that’s a shame as it would shut down the litany of bullshit excuses and minimization for criminal behavior. There is no excuse or justification, period. That said, I am a huge proponent of the use of digital and video photography by law enforcement in domestic abuse cases. From the moment of arrival at a call officers should at least have a cheap point and shoot to record not only the scene and the victim’s injuries but also taking brief “mini-movies” at the scene so that the victim’s statements are recorded. It doesn’t have to be extensive but could be as simple as:
VICTIM: He hit me!
OFFICER: Who hit you? Where did he hit you.? Show me where he hit you. When did he hit you?
…and so on.
This simple work will make it more difficult to engage in subsequent false recantations.
Many years ago a parolee came home drunk and got into an argument with his girlfriend during which he took a knife and began to stab in the sofa where four children had been sitting. Then he picked up the baby and held a knife to the baby’s throat. The mom dialed 911 on a cordless phone but could not speak. Automatic number and location identification had just been acquired and the recording ends with the police breaking down the doors and rescuing the baby. The recording is graphic including numerous pleas by the mother to spare the baby’s life. When the mom came to court I decided I would nip any attempt at recantation in the bud by immediately playing the tape.
In a less severe incident the victim tried to minimize and recant on the witness stand. The officer whispered in my ear that he actually had her statements on the scene recorded as he had left a traffic stop to answer the call and forgot to shut off his squad video. The woman kept insisting that the officer “got it wrong.” Then the officer went back on the stand with the tape.
This is a serious problem. The Rice incident gives it a face. And, as is so rarely the case, neutral evidence.
Allow me to add that I had the deep privilege a couple of years ago to spend most of an afternoon with Bart and Cherry Starr (Bart is recovering now from a minor stroke). I switched seats with Bart so he could sit with his wife. We spoke little of football and a lot about the scourge of child abuse and domestic violence, issues very close to Bart and Cherry. There was a time when character mattered.
All points well made. I was not in any way lessening the seriousness of the problems of abuse of any kind, but the biblical principle of how to deal with the sin and the sinner still holds true. The sin of abuse is so repugnant that it begs throwing grace out the window, but even Christ refused that temptation. It is so hard that without Him forgiveness wouldn’t be possible!
Dear Bill,
Your posting here is instructive, thank you.
Perhaps, to instruct women, you might ask Sherlene to write a post for women on this subject. So many times I have seen women behave in a manner meant to antagonize their husbands. One cannot forget it was Eve who took the first bite…
My wife antagonizes me with some frequency. I would never dream of cold-cocking and decking her.
I have told her, “You never have to worry about me hitting you. You’re not worth going to jail.”
In all seriousness, “antagonism” is neither an excuse or defense to criminal behavior.
Yes, wives have been taught to subject themselves to their husbands but then St. Paul commanded husbands to love their wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.
The kind of antagonism your wife subjects you to must be very different than that which I have seen a friend of mine endure from his. I’m sure you have no idea what I mean, as the “antagonism” you endure is likely not antagonism at all, but more a device you use here to win a point. Sparing the ugly details, my friend never retaliated against his now-ex wife, but I’ll assure you what he endured was real antagonism. He had to bail on the marriage when she began physically abusing him. My wife and I took him in for awhile after he left, and he spilled the ugliness inflicted on him during the brief marriage. Say what you wish, it works both ways sometimes, and women should hear a message similar to the one-sided post under discussion here.
Carl, the problem of abused men is very understated and any domestic violence expert who does not agree is being disingenuous. There is only one shelter in the U.S. for abused men although many DV programs provide services for abused men. Often abusive women are substance addicted and/or mentally ill and men put up with it far too often because society has a hard time accepting that women can be abusers and men often have a far more difficult time getting custody of their children. Many times the men stay because they deeply fear if they leave nobody will be there to protect the children — better for them to take the hits than the kids. Plus there are no macho points for being an abused male. I prosecuted several of these cases. One that really stands out is a former police officer with an alcohol-fueled violence problem. One boyfriend, a police officer, was shot by her. She claimed it was accidental but was convicted of tampering evidence. Another officer who dated her belatedly came forward and said that she beat him with a lamp. And a firefighter was the recipient of one of her episodes when she threw him into — well, almost through — a wall, damaging the drywall. Another man was falsely accused of domestic abuse by his girlfriend who had been previously convicted of assaulting him. When the police found him in a bar he told them he was there all day — and the surveillance video in the tavern backed him up so the police went back and arrested her for obstructing. She said that she was just getting even. This is a fraction of the domestic abuse cases but it’s a significant one that is often ignored and rarely have I seen it related to being antagonistic.